my heaven is the sterilely-lit bathroom in the ungodly hours of the morning, everyone asleep but my mind still buzzing. or that trashy rest-stop somewhere in new jersey at 1 am, with cold onion rings and high on exhaustion and maybe a bit of a sense of fearlessness that's left over from sitting, restrained, upside-down at heights that should scare me but don't (because death should scare me, but doesn't) surrounded by strangers on all sides except to my left and to my right, where sit the strangest ones of all, the most unfamiliar- the ones i called my friends for no reason other than that I had no other word to use (acquaintance too far, brethren too close). my heaven is everywhere but here and now- especially nowhere and never. my heaven is where all clocks have stopped, where there's nothing left but gray (black is for the mourners, white's innocence that my father kept with him when he left the world) and everything is still and silent but the faint sound of clocks ticking in the past or the future that i'll never reach since time will not move anywhere.
9/24/2014 7:26 pm
i'm so scared. the question is not what am i afraid of, but what am i not afraid of? the answer is nothing. i have no reason to be afraid. no right to feel this fear. i don't deserve it. which makes me hate myself, but i'm scared to hate myself.
death. a tempting idea (scared to be tempted) but i don't have the guts to go through with it.
it's scary when people see through my cheerful façade, and it's scary when they don't. i'm terrified of silence, and i'm terrified of noise. i get scared of my mind, but i know life without it would be just as terrifying. i'm a deer in headlights. surrounded on all sides by drunks behind the wheel. in the end, they will survive, check out of the hospital with a few mere scratches, but i will not live past that collision. i will have died afraid after living afraid.
i am nothing but fear.