Maybe It's Just Me

October 17, 2017

one, she was only one when she was taken from her home and put into a stranger’s household with nothing but the clothes on her back,
but it was funny because she never met new people.
five, she was only five when she was adopted, and realized she would never have a place in her old family again,
but it was funny because she wanted to escape her father's drunken rage.
eleven, she was only eleven when she realized she'd have to put her toys away and help her mother who was struggling to take care of the mentally Ill brothers.
twelve, she was only twelve when her brother left her with scars that will never go away, but it was funny because same always thought scars made people look strong.
thirteen, she was only thirteen when she watched her brother go away to a hospital because he took the game too far and hurt her again.
fourteen, she was only fourteen when she took that razor blade and glided it across her skin forming a sea of red, but it's funny because red was her favorite color.
fifteen, she was only fifteen when her sister packed her things and ran, her sister decided doing drugs was more important than her well-being,
but it was funny because it was suddenly peaceful with her gone.
Sixteen, she was sixteen when she realized that Russian roulette is the only game worth playing,
that the ropes on her brother’s boat, looked better around her neck,
that the parties all the normal teenagers went to, were only fun when there were pills to pop,
but it's kind of funny because she's becoming who she feared, I’m becoming who I fear.
seventeen, I was seventeen when I finally realized that it was time to stop playing games, and do something.
I realized that Russian roulette won't kill your demons,
that the ropes won't hold back the beasts,
that pills won't keep the monsters away forever.
I was seventeen when I realized that maybe you could use guns to shoot flares into the sky,
that the ropes could be used to hang stars into the universe,
that pills would only make the light go away forever.
soon I'll be 18, and even though I didn't have the best childhood,
I'll keep looking for those flares because that's what's keeping me grounded.
that there will be a tomorrow, and I will be able to decide if tomorrow is better than yesterday.






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