12 years

I was 12 years old. 

He was my first kiss,

my first love. 

He was my first mistake,

my worst decision. 

I need to know

do you remember? 

It was a warm day

your room was dim. 

The lights had been turned off

We were watching a movie.

Your parents told you to keep the door open,

they didn't trust us alone. 

I trusted you. 

I shouldn't have. 

The door slowly closed

quietly, you didn't want to be caught. 

The movie screamed at me as you turned the volume up to muffle the sounds. 

Do you remember what happened next? 

Your hands were cold

too cold. 

They crept under my shirt like snakes preparing

to attack. 

You touched me 

and you didn't stop. 

Why me? 

I need to know. 

Why didn't you stop? 

I keep asking the same questions. 

I pushed you

but you were on top of me, 

and I was weak. 

My mind was screaming louder than the TV. 

Stop. Stop. Stop. 

You didn't stop. 

The sounds never escaped my lips, 

yours pressed too tightly against mine.

The cries were never uttered. 

We broke up shortly after, 

i was afraid of you. 

I healed,

I forgot about you.

My life was good. 

It never lasted. 

I met a boy when I was 14

He was too old for me, 

I didn't care. 

I should have cared. 

I broke rules

I ignored all morals 

and common sense. 

Because I wanted to see this boy. 

I sat in his car at midnight,

he was ready for me. 

I was not ready for him yet. 

All I could see was your face

as you close that door. 

Turning the volume up

and holding me down. 

I was on him this time

but it didn't make a difference. 

His hand still found its way

inside me. 

his hand still wrapped my fingers around 

something unmentionable. 

Stop. Stop. Stop. 

He wouldn't stop. 

It hurt, it hurts. 

Your face, his face. 

They blend into one. 

Evil, evil. 

I can't sleep, I can't eat. 

Nightmares

I'm surrounded. 

I never figured out

whether these boys find me

or i find them. 

As if I'm drawn to pain;

to suffering. 

Listen to me. 

I am alone now. 

I see faces and I see evil. 

You ruined me. 

I can't love, 

I will forever be alone. 

No one wants a woman afraid of sex. 

They only ever want a woman 

too afraid to refuse it.