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Today and Before
Today, I breathe again.
It is a lost moment reclaimed by persistence and love.
I decided
I love you more than I loved the disease that promised me I could love myself.
It made twisted promises of course,
But promises rooted in me so deeply that the branches peeked through my skin and became the framework of bones I so deeply wanted.
But I learned.
This tree I had become was gnarled and sick
The leaves fluttered off me as I died each day.
The animals and organisms that lived in my canopy had left for other forests.
Wretched creaking replaced the once mellifluous sound of wind dancing around my foliage.
And I realized this.
So I pruned away the dead bits.
The ones so toxic I couldn’t salvage.
I nourished the trunk.
The sacred vessel that would take me through my life
Now that I have a future that isn’t determined by feeding tubes and nutrition bars.
And you
Came into my life when I needed you the most
A cosmic gift.
You helped me grow more than I could have ever imagined.
And now I realize that.
So this was it.
In this moment, I look at you and I feel.
I feel deeply and powerfully.
The sun sets behind you and dyes the sky the color of crushed blackberries.
The gentle warmth of gloam wraps around us, and I appreciate this berry sky and let the flavor wash over my tongue.
How strange,
I think,
That before, I would be spending a beautiful evening such as tonight alone and sweating in my room.
Swearing under my breath if I jumped too loudly on my cardio because
My family couldn’t know I was on my sixth hour of exercise.
In this moment,
The evening light cascades down your cheekbones and you shift your eyes towards me with your half smile.
What? You ask with a smirk.
There is no need to answer.
I lean to kiss you in response,
You taste like the luxuries I deprived myself for the sake of being small.
You taste like long deserved happiness.
I put my head on your shoulder.
The windows are down and the wind blows my hair over my face for an instant.
Thank god it flutters away so I can see this moment in perfect clarity.
You smell like warm tea and success.
You pull me close and gently slide your fingers over my left leg.
Like you’re tracing my freckles which dot my legs like stars.
For once, I do not feel the bulbous fat on my legs.
I feel your fingertips,
Making me feel loved in the silent and sublime way that,
Like everything,
You have mastered.
I break away and throw my head back.
I laugh.
Profoundly and authentically.
At what a strange and wonderful miracle it is to be alive.
This moment,
Perfect and infinite,
Could have been lost if I had succeeded 15 months ago.
And all of the moments afterwards.
A hot tear runs down my cheek and curves towards my nose as I bring myself closer towards you.
It is quickly rerouted because the smile that cautiously crawled across my face six months ago is now reaching out and growing and embracing the life that I am so lucky to have now.
I wipe the tear off with one hand and laugh and turn up the music with the other.
We lift our chins to the sky and we sing.
To the same song I had cried to many months ago.
But this time,
The tears are bursting with joy.
I am bursting with joy.
This moment is an infinitesimal love letter to life
That I am so lucky to witness.
Just as this is a love letter to you,
That I am so lucky to have the privilege to write.
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The last time I was published on Teen Ink, I was dying. The anorexia I was writing about was actively killing me and I was clinically underweight. Now, I submit this poem in a position of liminality. I am working hard to recover, even though every day is a fight. This poem is about happiness, despite the anorexia and abuse and after my suicide scare. It's about resilience, and I hope in some way it will connect to a reader.