Contradictions

I am a contradiction with all my love and all my hatred
Hopeless romantic with no hope in romance
I’ll scream, “f*** you” louder than “love you”
And that doesn’t feel right
Shut the shutters on the fluttering butterflies in my stomach
Uttering insults as I hold your hand with gentle care
Passion mixed in a concoction of guilty rage
I
Can’t
Find truth in my words, but I see tears in my kisses
I see murder in affection, death in love and rape in sex
I want to hug you ‘till your rib cage breaks 
I want to kiss you ‘till you can’t breathe
I want to kill you so we can finally sleep together

I am a contradiction with all my passion and all my apathy
Stone-faced rock brain carving poems into boulders
How can I be empty when I explode so ferociously?
What have I swallowed in my sleep?
Gunpowder? Dynamite? A fiery heart?
‘Cause I can feel the devil on your shoulder in my stomach
I see the blood of an angel gurgling out of my drain when I vomit in the sink
Why do I only see my reflection in shattered mirrors?
I can see your beauty better when the room is dark

I am a contradiction with all my beauty and all my struggles
These scars shine brighter than the death of a star
These scars reflect the blood I’ve seen trickle from my friend’s wrists
This is
The type of pain you can mold
The damage you can hold and if you’re bold enough roll into a sculpture
Put an ice pick to this frozen heart to make a palace for all my skeletons to live in
So when my mom searches my closet for memories
She’ll only find kids meal toys and middle school awkwardness
Instead of suppression and illusion
But these cuts, these bruises are beautiful
I know they are
I just have to find a way to draw them without snapping my paintbrush in half
Because this city is like a museum
Everyone making statues from broken bones and splattering canvases with blood
I just hope the visitors don’t get scared off

I am
a contradiction






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