In Case I Die

June 18, 2017

In the instance that I die

Succumb to some tropical disease
Or kick the bucket in a car accident
Or develop a brain tumor
Or get hit by a bolt of lightning
I want you to know:

You want to be let inside the impenetrable fortress guarding my mind
I watch you bend over backwards every day
Trying to understand. Trying to lift me up, digging your fingernails into my sickness
Until they break off, encrusted with earth
I cannot bear to see my pain reflected in your eyes
So I tell you to leave me alone
Sitting in cold silence in the car listening to pop on the radio
That I know you hate
Forgive yourself for not being able to fix me

I cannot help but feel that you are disappointed in me
I’m so sorry that the landslide of my grades left your ivy league dreams in ruin
I’m sorry that the monster living in my shell of a body feeds on self pity and worthlessness
Instead of algebra. Or the 4.0 it put a knife through last semester
I want you to know that you are the one person I look up to most in the world
And that I miss you reading me Sherlock Holmes as bedtimes stories
And the dad jokes that never seem to make their way through your lips anymore
I forgive you for all of that
If you can forgive me for growing up

If everything pans out alright though,
I will rediscover this a year from now
And every line will be different

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