Reaching for Hope

April 13, 2017
By , Tuttle, OK

I never meant to say those words
At least not In front of you
But I just needed to talk to someone
And you were all I had

But as the words rolled off my tongue
"I want to kill myself"
I could hear your eyes start to weep
And your words begin to tremble

I never meant to hurt you
Like the way I hurt others
How it cut me open
Like the knives I used
to open up my arms
And expose what's underneath

I never meant to uncover this part of me
I never wanted you to see me cry
I never wanted you to see me yell
But most of all
I never wanted you to see me give up like this

I'm so sorry

Tracing my old scars
Digging through my skin as if I was trying to find answers
Of why I never felt beautiful
Maybe because I wasn't skinny enough
Or Maybe my skin complexion was too pale
Or the reasons why nobody wanted to love me

But the more I dig the more my skin begins to swell
I wish my knife was sharper
Because then I could unfold the bright red answers
The tell me why I was never enough!

If only that was enough to tell me
That I am beautiful
Or I'm just the perfect size
Or maybe just maybe nobody can reach the perfect Apple
at the top of the tree
That's why everyone decided to give up on me

But they never said that out loud

And maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure about myself
As I pull down my long sleeves to hide
The negativities on my arms
Because these impulsive cuts
Are just another way of saying I'm screwed up

It isn't fair
That the strongest soldiers alive
Are the ones
Who are described as broken or crazy

It isn't fair that we have to hide ourselves away from the world
and trap ourselves with overwhelming thoughts
because we know too much
Or because we are the most experienced
A little knowledge is dangerous, right?

Let me show you my world
Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth
Because after all
I really don't want to kill myself
I just want you to sit down and listen






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