One Thousand and One Butthurts

May 10, 2017

Did you know that our ears are made of the same material as crabs?
No, you didn’t.
Because it’s not true.

This one’s true.
All polar bears are left handed (so they must know the struggle of cheese graters and scissors
And bottle openers and binders).
…did you know that cheese graters are right handed?

And July 1st is when you start hearing fireworks, because people just love the idea of taking their hands off. Do you ever see musicians blowing things up? No, you don’t.

North Korea sings songs about the deaths of Americans.
We sing songs about the deaths of the recipients of the black plague. So ring around the rosie, children, it’s storytime.
And opal is the birthstone of my ex best friend who dumped me because I’m not Christian
But Christianity can’t determine who you are friends with. It only determines where you go when you die.
In this case, I’m going to Hell. I’m not upset. I probably deserve it.
Atheism is actually a respectable belief, and even the Pope said that it’s better to be a good atheist than a bad Christian. I am a good atheist. My ex best friend is… well, let’s just say that if you don’t have anything nice to shoot out your mouth, don’t shoot anything at all. I won’t fling poo at her. That’s immature.

And stars don’t work in determining why you are the way you are, and mood rings don’t work in determining your feelings. Sorry, you’re out of luck.
Speaking of luck, I stepped under a ladder once, but I had bad luck to begin with so nothing happened.
Black cats here bring doom, but in India, it’s the white cats that do.
Must be something to do with the color of our skin.

Now let’s talk about butthurt.
It is okay to be butthurt about a thousand things, but that thousand and first thing is not included in the spectrum of butthurtiness.
But the thousand and first thing is the thing that everyone is butthurt about, but little did you know that being butthurt about the one thousand and first thing is the one thousand and first thing you shouldn’t be butthurt about? So let’s call this argument a draw and move on.

It’s not true that there are 58 genders (sorry Facebook), but actually there are nine quadrillion, eight hundred and thirty-eight billion, two hundred and eighty-three million, nine hundred and forty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five genders, so the x-58 genders that are not included are butthurt, but guess what? That’s the one thousand and second thing that nobody should be butthurt about!
Isn’t that strange?

The band, Led Zeppelin, was actually inspired by this one dude who told Jimmy Page that Jimmy’s band was going down like a “led zeppelin,” so instead of getting butthurt about it, good ol’ Jimmy decided to name his band “Led Zeppelin’ just in spite of the whole affair.
I think that Jimmy was a good man.
Don’t you?

And those who have no siblings have a harder time socializing.
They are often bullied and picked on, and then the same people later on tell them they’re lucky and poke fun at them for being “spoiled.” They never are. In conclusion, the fact that only children have it good are big, fat, stinking piles of LIES created by someone who had no clue what they were talking about.

You may not have known, but the fact that left handed people live nine lives shorter than right handed people is a lie too, created by someone who wanted to freak me out. My life isn’t over, people.

And it’s true. You can be dead and alive at the same time. It’s when your heart sinks into your chest and your eyes glaze over, and you can’t cry because you’re all out of tears. Its other name is “crippling depression.”

Roller coaster rides are only fun because someone made them fun. Same with words. The ‘f’ word was just a word when they invented it but now it means “you better get your butt home this instant and we’re going to have a long talk about your language missy.”

One Japanese proverb is “cold tea and cold rice are bearable, but cold looks and cold words are not.” I translate this to, “if you give me cold looks and cold words, all you’re gonna get is cold tea and cold rice.”
Cold coffee is much worse than cold rice. Except if it’s brown rice. Brown rice is disgusting anyways.

This is the end of my list, and hopefully you haven’t gotten too butthurt about it, because getting butthurt is the one thousand and third thing on the butthurt spectrum, so technically is illegitimatizes the whole entire list.

Now you know all about the world and its inner workings.
All I can say is you’re welcome.

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SpeakerofWolvesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 21 at 8:52 pm
@devils_advocate Well, really didn't expected the title which hooked my attention. The poem was, I will say, intriguing since it did draw to the title. Good job anyway! :)
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