Denial came first.
I was very young,
You never came outside to play anymore.
Your walk was slowing,
A nurse knocking on our door.
You were more tired than I had ever seen,
And angry too.
At such a young age
The first time I did not want to be right.
So I hid this from myself,
I let myself believe you were fine.
“It is only temporary”
“He’s just getting older”
How wrong was I, but
Do remember I was young.
Next came anger,
And this was a fire through my soul.
Angry that you never came to watch
Me in my basketball games,
Angry that you were in so much pain.
Angry that of all people,
The world chose you to inflict this pain.
I could not understand,
Why you were victimized.
As each day went by,
The anger mounted,
Building and building until my dam broke.
That anger has never truly gone away.
Bargaining gave me hope,
And disappointment too.
A shooting star in the sky,
Perhaps even the one shining the brightest,
A heads up penny,
And a penny thrown in a fountain.
Please let it all end,
Take all of the sickness away,
Sometimes I would even pray.
I bargained with all that I could.
Everyday I would descend the stairs,
Hoping to see you better,
And every day bit by bit,
More disappointment set in.
“When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are,
Anything your heart desires will come to you.”
Never applied to me.
Depression became consuming.
Why him? Why us?
My question is unanswered.
Each day I would see healthy people,
Running, jumping, playing all they could,
And everyday the depression multiplied.
Sadness, is what I felt,
Almost all of the time.
Sad for me, sad for him,
And the only time I could be sad,
For the my little brother,
For he would never know,
I know he can not possibly understand,
I still don’t understand.
Though I was angry,
Though I was sad,
Even depressed and still in denial at times,
I finally began to accept.
There was nothing I could ever do
To change anything.
He is slowly trekking up,
A downward hill.
I can’t possibly understand it,
I am far too young,
But not too young to accept,
What has been done.