When I heard your footsteps come up to my door, my heart beat fast, excited to see you, and I jumped from my bed to look through the peephole, to be sure it's you, but I never thought I'd see my rapist outside my door.
I never thought a simple two letter word would offend you,
"no"
But then again, I never thought I'd be terrified of my best friend of seven years counting.
I never thought you would try to take advantage of such a young mind, I never thought you would succeed.
I never thought that eight years later I'd be too scared to look through a peephole of my house, no longer my home, this place was my safety, and you took my innocence right down the hall, first door to the right.
I can't call any place my home now, because a home is safe, and I don't feel anywhere close to safe, I can’t even sleep with the same color sheets of that night for two years, three months, and nineteen days, until my 10th birthday, you showed up at my house, but in your hands new bed sheets, color purple, and I'm sure my face matched the color, for my breath was nonexistent, because my parents don't know. Not only that night did you ruin my seven year old purple sheets, my seven year old hair, not only did you ruin my every last bit of childhood at age seven, with your damned selfish needs, but you ruined me.
Do you know I can't even hold my boyfriend's hand because to me every man's hand causes destruction, because eight years, one month, and six days ago, you ruined everything for me, I'll never have a “normal” relationship because I'll get scared, because of you, because you planted in my head, that every man does wrong, and even if I don't want to do something, do you know I can't even say the word "no" because never ever again do I want to be violated like that again.
But I hope you know now, ten years later, I am more cautious for all the wrong reasons. I worry and am skeptic of simple situations for all the wrong reasons. I carry pepper spray with me when I go out, fearing the past. Yet after all of this I am a stronger person for all the wrong reasons.