Radio Silence

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error.
please try again.
error.
please stand by.

colors and sounds and static and
you and me and
too much. too much.
system overload.
please stand by.

shaking hands and twitching shoulders.
i am everything they try to stamp out.
a collection of paradoxes and half finished ideas
and somewhere inside the tangled thread of my brain
is me.

human error.
i dont cry.
i dont scream or shake or make any noise at all.
i sit quietly. face blank.
memory error.
what was i saying? what was i doing?
what word describes this feeling?

ringing in my ears.
cough. whisper. play music. talk.
ringing in my ears gets louder.

never standing still. always moving.
always doing something.
my mind is made up of radio static
and somewhere in between the
nonstop flow of my brain and the
constant motion of my thoughts and the
never finished ideas and the
half formulated feelings is
me.

i truly believe if someone were to look inside
my brain all they would find is radio static
and elevator music playing softly in the background
and someone distantly screaming.
i dont think they would even find me.

gunshots echo in my ears and
cars crash in my lungs and
fire burns in my mouth and
trees fall behind my eyes but
there is nothing but radio silence
in my mind.

my thoughts are a collection of every
single time rainbow stripes are printed
across a television screen because whatever
they were trying to broadcast was lost.

the radio plays music and it keeps me sane.
the radio keeps the static and silence at bay.
the radio works all day every day and yes it
helps but now it is 2:19 am and i can still hear
the radio.

i prefer the music and the sounds to the static
and the ringing in my ears that happens every
time i try to go to sleep.

colors flood in too vibrant and bright
and sounds explode beside me
and the light is far too blinding but no one else
seems to have this problem.
sensory overload. error.
stop having this problem.
stop causing this problem.
why am i doing this to myself?
i am making myself sick this is not fair to me
i need my radio where is it the static is now ringing in my ears
the car crashes my words are on fire what was that word again?
memory error.
where am i again? what just happened again? how do you breathe?
human error.
i can feel my heartbeat in my chest it beats like it is trying to jump
straight out and
onto the floor the light is too bright i have to go up and
present to the class but where are my feet how do i walk
what class is this again?
error.
its all in my head its all in my head its all in my head its all in my head its all in my head
i hear the music it plays and calls me
i hear the static it bothers and scares me
i need the music and the words and
someone talk to me no dont talk to me
because i cant respond help me
error.
system overload.
please stand by.

i broke my radio.
now i just hear the silence.






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