If only you knew

April 7, 2017
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If only you knew
What it’s like
To have an invisible illness
One that no one can see a physical effect
A chemical imbalance inside your brain
Which you have to fight with every damn day
What it's like when simple tasks become challenges
Getting yourself out of bed in the morning becomes a war
Especially when the night before you had to battle to get to sleep
What it's like each day to fear anything and everything
What it's like when you're on an upswing and you can't truly enjoy it
Because you know eventually there will be an equal or harder crash than the ones before
And you are scared that this time you won't make it back up
What it's like having to take medication every day and night to establish a small sliver of normalcy
What it’s like to tell someone what you have
And have them look at you as if you are a bomb that will explode at any second
What it's like to be stigmatized over and over again
What it's like when society tells you that you are so screwed up that no one could ever love you
And you have already convinced yourself of this
What it's like when anytime you get close to someone you either give them every last thing you have
Or push them away because you don't want to hurt them
What it's like when every day you have fight the urge to end it all
Because you feel as though you can't take one more three a.m breakdown where no one can see you cry
Or one more shut down because you don't want to feel
So you would rather become numb
What it's like when all you pray for is to be taken away from this place
What it's like when the thoughts of death become normal to you
What it’s like knowing that killing yourself is inevitable
And you say it might not be today
Or next week
Or even next year
But you can feel it
That you will be the one to end your own life
On your own terms
What it's like when someone asks if you're okay
And your answer is always
I'm just tired
And they assume you just need a nap
But in reality
This is a different exhaustion
One that can't be cured by any amount of sleep
This is the kind that is incurable
Because no matter how hard you try, it will never go away
What it's like to question everything you do
What it's like to continually ask yourself what the hell is wrong with you
What it's like to lose everything you have
Because you know how s***ty it is to feel the way you do
And you don't want anyone else to know how that feels
So you give them all you have
And when they leave they take it all with them
Yet you still manage to gather more for the next person
Now you may think that you know how this feels
But this is just the tip of the iceberg
Most people say it’s all in my head
And maybe that’s true
But if only you knew






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