I'm Only Fifteen

April 6, 2017
By , Fox River Grove, IL

I am only fifteen and I dread the hours where the sky is dark.
I wait for everyone else to fall asleep
So that I can fall apart.
I hide under my covers
Shoving a pillow to my face
Drowning in pools of my own tears
For no one to hear.
I just sit,
suffering in silence.
I replay every mistake I’ve ever made
At a speed faster than lightning.
If you looked inside my head
You would find
An unfixable mess
Of pain and hatred
For the person trapped
In my very own skin.
I’m constantly in a fight
With myself
Looking for an unknown feeling.
Is it happiness?
I’m only fifteen and I can’t sleep and night.

I am only fifteen and I drag a blade across my skin.
It is the pain that I deserve
For being such a horrible person.
Every centimeter
Comes another drip
Of molten scarlet lava.
I slide my knife into my drawer
And walk out of my room
As if nothing ever happened.
But there is a reason I’m tugging at my sleeves.
I am only fifteen and I count scars, not stars.

I am only fifteen and I feel like dying.
I’m screaming inside,
Scratching at the glass,
Looking for a way out
Even though I know I’m trapped
Suffocating in my own skin.
I’m the child my parents wish they never had.
You see
When people tell you things
Over and over
You start to believe them
“You’re a waste of space”
“You aren’t worth it anymore”
“Go burn in hell, that’s where you belong.”
I just sit
Watching my world fall apart
And all I can do
Is stare blankly.
I am only fifteen and I’m ready to pull the trigger.

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