March 30, 2017

Every day I come upon a person’s conversation and they always ask the same thing, the questions “how was your day” or “how are you?”
I taught myself to say the same thing every time scared someone might judge me or be afraid of me for what comes out of my mouth. 
Spending every night not being able to fall asleep,
not because I couldn’t count sheep,
but because I was afraid I would never wake up like my uncle did after he took a pill and suffocated in a pillow.
My body would become numb and in order to be okay I’d have to talk myself to sleep. 
I think I’m fine.

My head at night is entertained with dreams I can’t ever seem to understand. When I try to wake up in the morning my body is still. My eyelids are glued shut and my body nailed down, I try to jump so my body awakes with me and suddenly all my limbs are free, but still quiver. I thought they may never move again.
I think I’m fine. 

I walk through hallways squeezing past foggy bodies, walking through grey dimmed light and walls moving closer and closer together.
I think I’m fine.

In class I think about dreams I’ll never reach or about how I’m doing everything right or maybe it’s wrong but I’ll never know because I’m too afraid to ask questions.
I think I’m fine.

As my thoughts scatter I find myself in another place that’s a whole lot smaller and a whole lot darker. I try to explore my thoughts but a yelp from someone grasps me by my ears and pulls me out of my own mind.
I think I’m fine.

In the parking lot I walk, watching people talk but I’m not really listening for my own thoughts are building up and are clogging my ears. My head is too full to hold them in so they pour out as if I’m crying out of my ears but not my eyes.
I think I’m fine.

Once I am home I am left alone with me and my mind. My thoughts wrap around me like plastic bag around my head suffocating me until I have to control over what goes on in my mind.
I think I’m fine.
The blood in my veins begins to boil and all of the bones in my body rattle together. And ocean of tears fall from my eyes and my lungs feel like someone has reached in and starts squeezing all of the air out. I grab and pull my hair, there is nothing to hold onto while I am being drowned in my own thoughts.
I don’t think I’m fine.

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