They Don't Understand

March 10, 2017
By , Shreveport, LA

I absolutely cannot come out today.
I can’t face Anxiety today,
Not when Depression is visiting.
You see, Depression and I are having a tea party,
Except instead of tea we’re drinking my tears.
And instead of feeling happy and grateful
To have a friend over,
I’m sad and wish he would go away.


I didn’t invite Depression to this tea party.
I invited Joy,
But she never showed.
Well I suppose she got lost along the way.
Maybe she found another friend with a better tea party.
Or maybe she was never planning on showing.
Maybe the invitation never got to her.


I now have two friends at my exclusive tea party,
Depression and Anxiety.
Anxiety burst through the door like he had a key
And the whole place was his.


Maybe Depression has a key, too.


I don’t remember inviting Depression into my house,
But I suppose he thought it was a good place to settle.
Don’t feel bad for me though.
I’m sure I could kick them both out if I wanted to.
I mean, that’s what everyone keeps telling me.


But now they’re both in my bed
And I’m afraid to speak
Because they’re ordering me to undress.
And now I’m standing here in my underwear,
And they’re circling me like I’m prey.


They touch me.
They tell me I should be enjoying it,
But I’m not.


They’re brutal.


There are hands pulling at my hair,
Opened palms slapping my a**,
Coarse fingers wrapped tightly around my throat,
And even with the abuse,
They tell me they love me.


But they could never love me.
They only love the idea of someone
Who won’t fight back.


Everyone tells me it was my own fault.
They told me I asked for it,
My clothes were too “revealing”.


I’m not quite sure how my ratty old jeans
And oversized t-shirt
Were too revealing,
But I suppose they’re right.
I was asking for it.
Depression and Anxiety did nothing wrong.
And I let them do it, too.


Didn’t I?
Or have people messed with my brain too much?


Do they not understand that I was not asking for it?
Can’t they see that I was afraid?
But it seems to me that
They don’t understand.


Depression and Anxiety came into my house uninvited
And told me that they owned my body.
And out of fear,
I agreed.


Out of fear
I did as I was told,


But again, they started touching me
And I started fighting back.
They were too strong.
I could barely get a punch in
Before they bound my hands behind my back
To keep me from any chance of getting away.


I almost died that night.
Suicide rang the doorbell at 2 AM
When Depression and Anxiety were asleep.
I crept quietly to the door
And as soon as I opened it,
Suicide wrapped her hands around my throat
Where a pair of hands had already lived before.
I threw her off of me as quickly as I could
And slammed the door behind her as I shoved her out,
Afraid that Depression and Anxiety
Would punish me for letting someone in.


I had hoped that it was Joy,
Coming to apologize for arriving so late.
Coming to rescue me from my tears
Of hatred and sorrow.
Coming to reassure me that she would
Always be my friend.
But I’m afraid that something has happened to her.


And I’m afraid that I’m stuck with
Depression and Anxiety
Until the very end.

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