While I am headed for sleep
I’d like to share a few things
I’ve learned
The hard way.

First of all,
Sticking your hand in the toaster is bad for your health
And 80% of us
Would not care to try it.
The other 20% are too stupid
Or too sad
To mind.

Second, never apply fake eyelashes
With nail glue,
Even when you want to look pretty
And Dad won’t take you to the store again
To get the right kind of glue
And your friend’s quinceañera is today
And my eye still hurts.

And Romeo and Juliet ended happily
(except if you’re an atheist)
So it’s safe to say
That it is not a tragedy
But a comedy, because
Mercutio is making sarcastic remarks in heaven.

And there are only two kinds of people in the world:
The winners
And the winners.
Because you are special?
Just like the next person.

And there is only one god?
It’s the human kind
But people get mad at me for saying that
Even though they are the ones who tell me
That I’m going to Hell
So I can’t share my opinion
But they can share theirs anyways,
And that’s totally
Undoubtedly
Fair.

And the sun rises for zero seconds
(like my life)
‘Cause we spin around it.
The sun is the queen
Just like the girls in my geography class
So all hail Priscilla and Taylor
And the sun.

But before I rant on about
Pluto being a (dwarf) planet,
And I being (un) popular
Let me tell you one thing:
The world only lives
Because gosh darn it
I don’t know.

And before I tell you about
Good luck and bad luck
And getting lost on the summit,
Let me tell you that
Our lives only work
Because we want them to,
And the fact that
Fate is a real thing
Is a lie, and the only trick to staying alive is
Surviving.