What people Need to Understand About My Time

March 12, 2017
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This will never be over in just one night, this will take time and time is the only thing I don't have.
Panic is different for everyone, now i'm not trying to state that my panic is worse or not as bad as anyone else's, I’m trying to explain what mine is about.
Panic is more than fear, it is shame and guilt handed to you at six in the morning, you know you need to go to school, you enjoy school, but you know it will get worse.
You try to talk yourself out of it.
“Friends will make it better.”
“It will be gone by lunch.”
“It will not last forever.”
Part of you believes this, but part of you knows your lying to yourself.
It will not get better by lunch, It will seem to last forever, and your friend will never know.
You don’t show emotion, not enough.
You don’t cry infront of people and you hardly yell, you don’t show how you feel because you are trained to be like that.
Crying is okay but when you cry the tears are acid running down your face, and when you yell the voice in you head yells back louder that you shouldn’t be alive.
People get angry because they can tell you how horrible you are, and you can say nothing.
They think you are stuck up, but really you have heard it all before.
It is a broken record of different voices.
Sometimes getting better is one step away, and other days it is an uphill climb followed by a downhill spiral and a few rocky patches, and on those days I do try but I'm not as strong as everyone thinks, I'm not made or stone not even glass.
Its like im made of air, I can not find a good place to start to even think about forming each on of my broken pieces back together to form me.
I refer to you a lot, you...you being me.
I just find it easier to act like i'm another person.
You are the problem...I am the problem, I have problems, I can fix the problems on my time, my non- existant time that I will create because I can make time for myself.
I can be happy, but it will be  on my terms and it will never happen over night.            

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