So Um...

March 12, 2017
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So um i'm trying my best to tell you i'm sad, without alarming you.
I know, I know you're going to worry and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to be friends anymore.
I know  I can't hold it against you that when I say i'm sad you blow it off as i'll come over and you'll be ok.
But when I say i'm sad I mean
There is a crushing weight on my shoulders
There are weights tied to my ankles dragging me back to bed
And I know I told you I was happy a few moments ago but...not now.
So um i’m trying to tell you politely that I don't really want you to come over
I feel like if i’m near you my sadness will drown you just as fast as it does for me.
I tried to do my makeup thinking it would help, I even changed three times.
It just made it worst
I know if I tell you that I don't want you to come it will only fuel you idea that I don’t like you anymore, or that I never did.
But it’s not that, it’s not you, it’s not me either but you won't understand that. 
You won't understand that I can't control this yet, and I might never be able to fully control it.
I mean you don't really know how any of my thoughts work, and i'm going to be honest i'm still mad at you
You said you never hurt me during the fight
And you never said sorry.
To other people that would be ok, but when I say it a hundred times and you never say it once, it hurts.
But it get it
You just don’t get it         

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