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A Scattered Heart

You will never be him

You will never love me conditionally
You will never make me work for your love
Or approval
Or attention
You will never choose infidelity over its counterpart
I will never be filed away with your options

But you will never have my love in the way you want it
How it is deserved

I am convinced that my love for competition has bled through to the way I love people
That is why I was okay with being pit against girls I barely knew
Why I chose to embrace my claustrophobia
Forcing comfortability in the small space he set aside for me in his heart
Squatting, because the land would never be mine to own

You’re wondering why it can’t be you
Why the excitement must be situational
Why you do everything right and remain in the wrong
Why you have never handed me doubt or disregard but have always received it

I never associated you with mistrust or empty space
Because your heart is so full, love
But I’ll tell you what it’s like to have a heart that is scattered
What it is like to know that you are making the wrong choices
To constantly feed into self-sabotage

It is giving everyone a place in your heart except for yourself

But whether or not to commit yourself to someone who will never love you back
Or to force yourself to be with someone you cannot love in the same way
Is a scattered heart’s funeral song
Where it doesn’t bury the faces of its lovers
But its own






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