In The End

February 24, 2017
By , Rockwell, NC

Spoken Word Poem: In The End

I’ve spent my childhood through cruelty,
Always hoping for a better reality.
My mind would eat at me all the time.
I couldn’t help it, I wished that I could.
But more pain came everyday, it never stopped.
So, I just lived and accepted it.
Living each day with a smile,
I had to be strong if I was going to survive.

I would come home from school crying.
I had no friends, everyday was lonely.
Teachers didn’t care whether I passed or failed, no one helped me to succeed.
Kids would make me feel like I’m something that I’m not,
But I believed them,
I started to believe every word.
I believed them when they called me fat.
I believed them when they called me worthless.
I believed them when they called me ugly.
I believed them when they said that I would go no where in life.
I believed I was nothing.

It wasn’t just at school, it was home too.
For one, I never met my dad,
That part of my life is a blank page.
My mom had a boyfriend, they would have endless fights.
I would wake up in the middle of the night to screaming and banging.
Always drinking.
Always fighting.
Endless.
Still, my mom never left, she always went back.
She would say that she was done, but then go right back into his arms like nothing happened.
Did she even like about her kids? How this was making us feel?
My younger brother says he wants to just like his dad.
Does he really?
Live his life as a drunkard, beating women until they passed out?
They didn’t see how much of a influence they were putting on my brother.
My brother today doesn’t even know how to stop putting his hands on people,
He will fight anything.
I wouldn’t blame him, all he ever knew was violence.
My mom’s boyfriend, I couldn’t stand to be around him.
He would make me do things that I didn’t want to whenever my mom was at work.
I hated being at home, I hated being at school.
I had no where.
So, I told my mom what her boyfriend does to me when she’s away.
She finally left him, got married to a nice guy.
I thought it was all over, all the pain.
I was wrong.
My mom’s drinking only got worse when her sister died.
I would hear her crying in her room every night,
Hearing her making herself throw up after every meal.
It killed me to see her upset.
She would yell and hit at her husband.
She would scream that she wanted to die and be with her sister,
That we didn’t need her anyway.
I did need her, I will always need her.
She’s killing herself with her addiction and she didn't care.
She didn’t care if she’d leave her children alone, broken.
My brother has his dad, but I didn’t.
Where would I go?
She threatened many times that she was going to run away,
Start her life all over again.
It hurt me so much,
Seeing the one I love go through so much pain, not caring if I went through pain too.

I was in the 8th grade, I was at the end of my years in middle school.
I heard about the early college.
I didn’t want to be with these people anymore, the people who bully me everyday.
I wanted away.
No one in my family has ever went to college, or even finished high school.
I wanted to be the first.
So, I signed up and eventually got in.
At the early college, it was amazing.
I no longer had to deal with bullying.
I wasn’t called any names.
People actually wanted me to succeed in life.
I had hope in life.
I was happy.

After so long, my mom didn’t drink as much anymore.
She started to accept the fact that her sister was gone and in a better place.
She was still depressed, but she was so much better than before.
Her and her husband didn’t fight much anymore.
She didn’t cry herself to sleep anymore, nether did I.
I was happy for this improvement and so grateful.
After all these years of suffering, in the end it got better.
It may be bad now, but it will get better.
Time, patience, and hope will get you through.
Be strong.






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