when your alarm goes off in the morning,
don’t roll over
let the whole song play out because it reminds you of him
and the first time you kissed in the back of his van
stop going to class altogether
convince yourself that no one will remember you when your name is called out for roll
and no one will stare at the empty chair
you left behind
apply to work at a place where you’ll never
and bike past his apartment on the way home
from the interview
when there’s a new car parked outside you can start driving yourself crazy
wondering if it’s the ex-girlfriend of his
with the kind smile
when someone new starts calling you at 3 a.m.
tell yourself that you are not good enough,
that you don’t deserve them
and leave your phone on silent in the drawer
of your nightstand
they’ll stop talking to you and you’ll miss the warmth of their sweatshirt hugs.
sleep for most of the day and forget to buy
eat the leftovers in the back of the fridge
and dial in your parents’ number
you just want to tell them that you’re not
all right anymore
but when Mom picks up you forget what to say and start crying.
no one can reach you
it’s strange how things fell apart so fast
lonely and tired you go back to bed
and with some weak hope, pray that things
will be better next year.
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.