If I Was Leaving

December 24, 2016
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If I was leaving,
by plane or train or death,
I wonder how I could say all the goodbyes
in the time I had left.

To my sisters I would say:
you both have become so beautiful,
and I am sorry I will not be there
to watch you bloom,
but maybe my absence will give you
the much-needed space to grow.
I hope I pushed you
to become someone better
than I ever was.

To my brother, I would smile
and simply shake my head.
Look how far you have come,
and how much you have changed.
You always felt like I shined brighter than you,
but now you dimmed my light
and I am so proud.

To my friends, the old and the new,
I hope you will look back on me
and feel warm.
So many of you I let slip
right through my fingers,
and some I held so tight
you were marked by bruises.
You all made me me,
and I cannot thank you enough.

To the boys I loved,
and the one I currently do,
I am sorry to say my heart never belong to just one of you.
I wore chainmail over my heart,
hardly letting any of you near
When you finally reached it
you all loved me so fiercely,
and so wholly,
that it scared me.
I shoved you all away
before I could try to love you too.

To my parents,
all I can say is sorry.
I know you tried your best,
and you loved me so much,
but I do not wish to ever be like you.
I gave you whiplash,
I made you think you were not good enough,
and even though you are the ones who made me fear anger,
you never deserved that.

To the people I will never get to meet,
and the lives I will never get to be a part of,
may you find goodness elsewhere.
I hope the hole I was meant to fill,
or possibly dig up,
can be completed by someone better.

If I went away,
I think I’d be gone to stay,
but I can’t help but wonder
will you come after me?






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