I don’t think he realizes how much his words break me.
How much pride filled my heart when I overheard him tell a buddy that I was just like mother, only to be harshly yanked not only back to the ground but to have weights tied around my ankles while I harshly belly flopped into the middle of the ocean, when his buddy finished the sentence for him and said, “A B-?” and he agreed.

How I overheard him and my mother yelling, overheard him say that he’d never change, not even for us. I still feel the tightness in my chest when I think how he’d just admitted to choosing the foul smelling drink that turns his eyes red and his emotions haywire over his five kids and his pregnant wife.

I don’t think he realizes how much his absence destroys me.
How many pieces my heart's in when I realized I had my first dance with a male with my uncle at the age of fifteen, when for the past sixteen years I’m almost in tears every time the father daughter dance comes on and I realize I’ve never danced it with mine.

How when everyone around me is telling me how close they are with their fathers, how protective their fathers are towards them, and my brother is the one holding me every time I’ve broke down and cried.
How in fifth grade my teacher said a daughter is never too old to hold her father’s hand, while mine? He’s never tried.

I don’t think he realizes how tainted my memories have become.
How the fishing trips and giggles are replaced with the discolored circle from when he punched the wall.
How all that time bonding over movies as a child are now just the background for my mothers tears everytime he broke her heart.
How the way I used to look up to and want a relationship like his with my mother, is now gone with the wind, and in it’s place is the fact that my mom suspects him of cheating and he's have done nothing the squish the panic and sorrow on my mothers face.

I don’t think he realizes how much I love him and look up to him, how much faith and hope I have in him, or how it kills me every time he disappoints me. How much I hate myself for even trying.