I want to forget how my voice cracked
when for two moments I let myself unconsciously brush my fingers against your skin
I could because nothing was rattling inside you yet,
you weren’t telling yourself that this is probably not the best idea you’ve ever had
but I want to tell you it’s not your idea, it’s the spark you coaxed out of my chest with your own match
and now it’s just me knowing that for a second my dreams were passing thoughts I could catch without thinking
It was so perfect to be careless around you.

All I can tell myself is
I’ve strangled stronger things than you,
especially when they’re homegrown,
poisoned redwood trees blooming up my throat.
I’ve fought harder devils than this crumbling thing we tried to call love,
especially when they’re my own crystals
I somehow tossed off the doorstep
I try to take care of things I love but they still end up harsher to sift through than my thoughts,
I need to save some sanity for the next few fights.

But I can’t forget how after the perfect moments passed
you caught my fingers to stop them
(shouldn’t have been so gentle, it would have been more effective that way)
so I’ll pay my dues in dust or drowning
to be worth my weight in gold.