The Hole I Have Dug

November 13, 2016
By Mads1405 SILVER, Pasco, Washington
Mads1405 SILVER, Pasco, Washington
5 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Granny Sheeran told me when I'm looking for a partner to fall in love with their eyes cause eyes are the only things that don't age, so if you fall in love with their eyes you'll be in love forever." -Ed Sheeran

I look in the mirror and see someone I am not.
My morals and my actions do not coexist; they clash.
Only one friend understands.
She struggles with the same thing. We talk about it and even do it together.
Two weeks I went without it, but here I am continuing my repetitive actions.
STOP, is what my brain yells at me. I push that thought away and continue.
I hide it from my family to avoid their disapproving comments.
The hole becomes deeper.
I force myself to stop and put restrictions on myself.
I ask for forgiveness.
Now I’m climbing out of hole, dirt is beginning to fill it.
My chest opens and I feel happy again.
Six months I haven’t done it.
I relapse and feel closed off once again.
My feet stumble as I still climb out of the hole.
More forgiveness.
I wish I could stop.
This time it’s been a year and I see something that brings the desire back.
I stumble once more.
Deleted browser history.
Now it has been five months and I don’t desire it anymore.
I release my urges in different, safer ways. 
I remain at the top of the hole, I am able to stop and can live without it.
Aspects of it remain in my life but I feel stronger and happier.
My chest does not close off and now happiness has replaced it.
I know it will never fully be out of my brain but I can choose to look past it.
Every day I become stronger.
Giving up is not an option.

The author's comments:

Addiction is a very hard thing to go through and there are lots of different kinds of addictions. Giving in to an addiction is normal but giving up trying to fight an addiction is not the right answer. Have faith that you can conqure it, nothing is impossible. 

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