One day, my body will turn to ash.
Burned from years and years of prying eyes
And broken dreams,
Shattered remains of hearts that held onto
The rose even as it began to wilt, it's ever-
Sharp thorns digging into their palms.
Hearts turned from lanterns to cheap molotov
C***tails-
Volatile and unpredictable.

My mind is collapsing in on itself as the
Desire to burn is replaced with the desire to
Be desired
Forceful hands melding me into the dream soldier
Pardon, the dream nurse that they’ve always wanted
(obviously it’s too unladylike for a “girl” to be a soldier.)

My body isn’t comfortable, my mind isn’t here and
As I desperately try to pull myself together, I can’t help
But notice the dust escaping the fissures,
Blurring my vision, making me cough.
It makes me feel so timid and I hate it.

I’m reaching the Meantime now.

The liminal space where we all wait for something to
Push us forward, while still waiting for the past to return
To us, beckoning like the smile of a toxic companion;
Dangerous and destructive, but still oh-so tempting.

I can feel it now.
The ache in my chest as my pride is slowly ripped from me.
I run, run
Trying desperately to catch up to the funeral procession
Before my pride is buried, swallowed by the black dog
Laying in it’s casket- maw broken and bloodied and open,
Waiting for it’s victim to rest on it’s tongue.

I keep running, running
(it’s hard for me to remember to breathe.)

I keep running, running.

I watch as my friends,
My family,
Everyone I’ve ever loved start to lag behind
Taking breaks,
Giving up the chase to those desperate to prove
They’re worth something… anything.

And yet, they’ll fall behind too
(They always fall behind)

For I’ve been running for so long now,
The burning in my throat, my lungs
And the burning of the tears, my heart
Are indiscernible from each other.

So I’ll let Meantime take me,
Pulling me into a bed of dead lilies
As I wait for my body to fail me.