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Day After Day

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day after day
I sit in this class
watching the seasons pass in a whirl of changing leaves
but all I see is gray

I am observing my life from the outside
people spin jerkily as if the fast-forward button has been hit
but I stay still

I speak, but am not heard
I write, but am not read
I live
but am not seen

the hallways are flooded with chatter that surrounds but does not include
an unbreakable shield separates and isolates those who desperately wish for connection
I am shoved agains the wall as one of the blond automatons races to greet her fellows
go ahead
push past me as if I don’t exist
I don’t

I am trapped in a square building, surrounded by gray classrooms and gray people
is this all that life has to offer?

every day
I just want to scream
to empty my lungs of all the pent-up emotion that builds and builds and builds
when will I learn something useful?
just give me something, just one little thing
please
anything to help me get out of here

but until then, just let me be
let me escape into my world made of paper and ink and the rustling sound of pages turning, pages that are creased with tears because I want so badly to be part of it
but I can’t

some things, no matter how hard you wish, are simply impossible
so I stay
I stay in this life, this narrowed life, trying to keep my head above the water
fighting a battle that has already been lost

I find myself cramped into a dark alcove, my go-to spot when my thoughts wander too much arms hugging my knees into my chest
trying to take up the least amount of space possible

everyone says-
and by everyone I mean philosophers, teachers, even my parents
anyone who thinks their sage advice has healing powers
they all say that life goes on
but maybe it does’t

maybe life stops when you're tucked into a fetal position attempting unsuccessfully to control the shaking and the terrors, the nightmares and the slimy thoughts that grow and grow and grow
maybe life stops once you fall into that never ending black hole

because that’s not living anymore
and if it is
maybe I don’t want to live. 




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