He Was My Pain Relief

September 24, 2016
Why do I still love him? He f***ed me up extremely. I can't see the color green without my heart skipping a beat. I don't make eye contact with anyone anymore, because I always see his eyes. I don't sleep and when I do it does nothing but make me feel even more exhausted. I feel emotionless, towards compliments and cute conversations with guys that aren't him. I can't look in the mirror, because I hear every word he said to me about my supposed beauty, it makes me want to puke that I'm never going to hear them again. I can't say the words "I love you" because I've only said them to one person and fully meant them. I don't cry because I know they'll be nothing but more tears that no one will see because no one ever gave a damn about comforting me other than him. I don't talk about how I feel anymore, I know saying how I feel will does nothing but cause more sleepless nights because I can't say them to him. I still love him, I don't regret any time spent with him. I think this is why people talk about young love like it's the worst thing ever. Young love does nothing but teach you coping mechanisms and what's the best time to take your antidepressants. People always say "your first love will always be your strongest love". I think that's because when you fall in love for the first time it kinda hits you like a train and takes your breath away. It makes you realize how often you do see the color green and you make a habit of remembering quotes and facts that they would love. You learn how they like their coffee and what their favorite topic is when they can't sleep. You learn what triggers their anger and what calms their anxiety. Of course they're called first love for a reason. Once it comes to an end, you might as well delete every song they ever showed you, because they'll cause more pain. No matter how happy it sounds. You'll breakdown in the middle of a shower because every single song isn't the original anymore, it's theirs and all you can hear are all the nights that you asked to drive around more because all you wanted was to hear them sing and everything BECAUSE YOU MEANT THE F***ING WORDS "I LOVE YOU".

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