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If I Could

I’ve got my mother’s height
and my father’s tendency of inconsistency
and somewhere along the way,
I’ve developed a fear of commitment,
but believe me when I say
I’d love you if I could.
I’d be the person you need me to be,
soft,
gentle,
patient,
and
kind.
I’d be front row at your graduation, first in line for your games
And when you tell me that you love me, I’d say it back
but somewhere along the way,
I’ve developed a fear of commitment.
Never wholeheartedly dedicating myself to anyone or anything
for fear of abandonment,
fear of failure,
fear of the startling realization that you might one day no longer see me with a stream of light around my head descended from heaven,
And as ironic as it is-
Fear that you may be half-heartedly loving me.
I’m afraid our love will die like the very first pet I had when I was nine
or maybe you won’t like me with my nose ring and wild hair full of kinks and coils and go for someone with a more conservative look instead,
One easier to bring around the family on Sundays.
Or maybe just maybe,
you might love me back.
And clumsy me wouldn’t know how to handle your heart,
Neglectful me would leave it out to rot.
So I apologize beforehand
For time you may deem wasted,
Love unreciprocated,
And feelings overlooked and unappreciated.
Forgive me when I disappear for what seems to be “without reason”,
when I start ignoring your text messages and your calls,
And I know how it looks, but it ain’t that way at all
‘Cause believe me when I say:
I’d love you if I could.
But I can’t.




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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Issiah said...
today at 6:14 pm
You still got it .! ☺️
 
Bri T said...
Sep. 26 at 10:59 am
I love this ! The idea of having the potential to love , the yearning for.
 
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