September 19, 2016
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“Just do your best” they say
“You tried your hardest” they say
“It’s not the end of the world…” they say

But is it?
Is it when all I see is disappointment in your eyes and hear pity in your voice?
Because you expected more from me?
Because I expected more of me because I set those expectations?

Maybe that’s why there are those kids who don’t try
You know the kids that are “stupid” and yet are “capable of so much”
Well maybe they aren’t stupid
They’re actually geniuses because they know better than to set expectations for themselves
and therefore set standards and therefore set pressures and stress and anxiety
They know better

Most of us don’t know better because we were raised that way
She was raised that way
It was the end of her world
And so many of us don’t understand why
Why she did it
Why she left us so soon
Did she really mean it?
Was it just an impulse - a moment of weakness?

Because stress is like being dragged down by quicksand with a rescue rope just an inch above your reach
Every time you sink a little, the rope drops a little
Always touching your fingertips but leaving you unable to grab it
Unable to be free from all the pressures of sand compacting and tightening to your every crevice
You want to scream but the sand climbs up past your mouth and you can’t speak

But no -
She finally grabbed that rope
She reached for the relief

And she used it

She used the rope

And just like that
Our little ray of sunshine was gone
That contagious giggle was gone
That beautiful, radiant smile was gone
That spontaneous, goofy, crazy, golden-hearted girl
That we all thought to be so happy

Was gone.

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