I Could...

September 3, 2016

I sit in my cold small bed
My heartbeat slows as the dawn of sleep nears.
And it insults me, every quiet pound stretching my heart.


Bum bum, bum bum.


You'll never be enough,
It says.


Bum bum, bum bum


You won't do anything in your life.


Bum bum, bum bum.


You are a failure.


And as I wait for it to end, the pain, the misery, the doubt,
I agree with it.
Because I know it is right.


I have no verses to contribute.
There's no time left for me.
I am a disappointment.


Bum bum, bum bum.


You see, I could try to be famous,
Or change the world.
Maybe even be normal
Even For a few small seconds


Bum bum, bum bum.


But it would never work out…


Just like me, my heart doesn't show its true self around everyone.
You can't hear the beat when the pain is covered by the laughter of your friends
when they think you are completely fine
It's when you are alone, when it attacks.


And I know that I can't control it
The pain seeping through my veins
As though being injected by pure self hatred


I feel like a child.
My pain is my mother
And my father?
My own doubt.
Pulling me in every direction.
and I can't do anything about it.


Bum bum, bum bum.


Except for one option.
This pain could stop.
I could end all the doubt.
A knife can be wielded by your worst enemy,
Or your own hand.


And maybe gunshots can heal some wounds.
And maybe,  when you think about it,
All fatal overdoses end addictions.


Bum bum, bum bum


It could end.


Bum Bum… Bum Bum...


I could end it.

Bum… Bum…… Bum… Bum...


I could...


But not today.

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