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it's a powerful sleep

and i give names to the very
things that break me, let
the molecules and atoms
that create me know their
own. and i see myself in the
yellow grasses of
california's gold, feel
belonging and a home in
this rugged ocean coast
and bitter cold

and the frothing fog creeps
creamily on delicate paws
like a panther-eyed cat, lashing
its tail and digging its claws calmly
into my outstretched palm;

i am weak and
woozy with the chill

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pineappler03 said...
Sept. 4, 2016 at 2:09 pm
I love the description here. My favorite line in the poem is, "and the frothing fog creeps creamily on delicate paws." I love this line because it's, so unique for describing fog, but also I can see the fog coming. Really amazing work :). My only suggestion is just to remember your periods and capitalize. I saw some lower case I's. Also work on your stanza's a little, so they aren't paragraphs. Other than that your poem is amazing! And I would love to read more of your work :).
tessellationsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 5, 2016 at 12:16 am
thank you so much for your critique! i really appreciate it and i'm super glad you liked the part about the fog (that took a while for me to come up with, haha!) i write my poetry in lowercase as a stylistic / symbolic choice, so that isn't likely to change, but thanks for pointing that out! and i will definitely keep your advice about the stanzas in mind. thank you so much for reading my work! ♥ (i'm planning on being much more active here in the very near future!)
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