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The "C" Word

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I put on the gown I was given,
the light blue fabric scratching against my thigh.
Impatiently waiting,
My anxiety was getting the best of me.
What if it is?
It’s not.
But what if it is??
I was waiting for the time to fly by,
but it never did.
Struggling to admit what’s happening,
My ears sting when I hear the insufferable “C word” slip out of the doctor’s lips.
Scared of my future
And reminiscing on my past,
Crying turned into the only thing I was good at.
Heart sinking to my chest,
I was instantly stressed.
My mind turned into Hurricane Sandy.
I couldn’t imagine what was going to happen to me,
My body, my hair, my energy, it would all be torn apart.
Hands shaking, I cried.
I cried for my parents,
I cried for my friends,
I cried for my sister,
I cried for everyone that was about to leave me because it was too hard on them,
But most of all,
I cried for myself.
I felt like I was strapped to a chair,
forced to stare at an open door,
But not being able to run through it.
The room was prison,
With the door open for people to constantly enter,
But i couldn’t leave.
The smell of latex gloves and IV fluids filled the air around me,
So strong that I could taste it.
The white, oak, rocking chair
that sat next to my moving, tempur-pedic, hospital bed,
reminded me of the identical one
that sat in the nursery of my room.
I realized that I wouldn’t be seeing that chair for a while.
I couldn’t sleep,
there were so many things that I have been keeping to myself,
thoughts that had gotten so deep,
I could no longer count any sheep.
It was so quiet,
all I could hear were my thoughts.
The windows glistened with rain drops,
dripping down,
much like the tears on my rosy cheeks.
All of a sudden it hit me,
everything that was about to happen swarmed in my mind.
The orange sun had set,
it started pouring rain.
The pitter patter on the windows reminded me of my sister’s tiptoes around the house.
I realized that I wouldn’t hear that anymore,
Just the judgy nurses and change in the vending machine.
I didn’t understand why this was happening to me.
I didn’t understand what was going to happen next.
I didn’t understand who was going to be there for me.
I didn’t understand how I was going to get through this.

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