You made me feel beautiful and repulsive all at the same time. You charmed me, you snuck into my life. You made me feel highs and lows like no other. I saw the warning signs, I doubted your intentions every step. I tried to leave you, I decided to live in another city in hopes of severing my ties to you; it didn't work. You convinced me to move back, I came up with countless excuses for my friends and family for my quick decision to move. I returned to a city where I had no one but you; you came to see me once. But I believed in you. I wanted to believe in every lie you told, every sweet gesture you made. I wanted to believe that you weren't just using me for entertainment, that you weren't just manipulating me like some game piece. I didn't care about the pain you caused me, you made me feel something so beautiful and rare; I wanted to hold onto that. One joy filled moment was worth all the pain and heartache you caused me. I put you on a pedestal and I truly believed I was the problem, that it was my fault that you would get irritated, that you would ignore me, that you would see other people. When I asked you to stop seeing other people, you laughed-- you never stopped seeing them. I defended you to my friends, but mostly I defended you for my own sake. I had to convince myself that you were faithful, that you weren't seeing others; I was wrong. I convinced myself that everyone feels pain in a relationship, that this was normal. I should have walked away the first time you made me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with you. I should have moved on when you forced me to keep our relationship a secret from your friends. I should have left when you refused to be exclusive after months of dating. I shouldn't have made excuses for you. I shouldn't have clung to the idea of you. I shouldn't have let you take so much control of my life. I would drop everything for you when you needed me. You wouldn't even call me because you wanted to catch up on a show. You'd go days without talking to me, you'd say you were busy. You had dropped all your classes and you didn't have a job. You were never busy. You just didn't feel an obligation to talk to me because I was nothing to you. I was something to entertain you when gaming and Netflix weren't enough. You gave me nothing for months and I still gave you everything. Any time I brought up the issues we had, you would brush it off and ignore it. You made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for wanting to talk to you and spend time with you. You called me darling and then you left. No call, no text, no goodbye. Two weeks went by and I still tried desperately to make contact. I still believed that maybe you weren't what I thought you were. I was wrong. You updated social media, you looked at my messages and never replied. You ignored my calls. I finally told you goodbye and I blocked you. I still cared for you, I still wanted you, but I needed to let go. And for once, letting go feels like being set free. I have a few things to thank you for, however small they are. You taught me to trust my instinct; I ignored it and I ended up with you. You taught me that people owe you absolutely nothing, not even an explanation or goodbye. You showed me that the most charming people can be the most destructive. And most importantly, you showed me the kind of person I never want to be.
Monster in Sheeps' Clothing
July 22, 2016