A Journey of Rough Roads

July 18, 2016

I was born a present,
Words I write hesitant.
I was a good girl,
One who learned to dance and twirl.
Everything my mother wanted,
A child my mother flaunted.

I learned to eat dirt
Far before I learned to flirt.
I learned to climb trees
And to swim far beneath seas.
I learned to welcome change,
Because consistency from people and homes was just strange.

I heard screams and shouts
I heard my parents find ways out.
I heard pretentious prayers to God,
Wondering why rights and reasons of contradictions were accepted to me was odd
I heard lies and broken promises
And met all of my father’s new Mrs.

I met many deceptions and betrayals
As if they were meant to be lessons and trials
I met many faces as I went from school to school
Thinking numbers of new names was the way to being cool
I met hands reaching from Hell pulling me to a close-call of death
Hoping one day something may finally take my last breath.

I felt cold breezes as much as I felt cold-hearted
As many of my loved ones parted
I felt emotions like a rollercoaster at speeds of a train
Making it hard for my mind to remain tame.
I felt love become a word hard to define
Because love was simply a deception that became mine.

I have been pushed aside from myself and others
As I strived to use surrogates in place of a mother
I have been to more places than most will live their entire life
I have been held still by the use of a knife
I have been broken down
Beaten, bruised and torn apart.

I once thought I held myself together
Until four visits to a psych ward was simply bad weather
I once smiled just like a naive child
That was when my problems were just mild.
I once used these trials as an excuse
That was before I saw lessons to learn, ones I choose.
That was before I found out labels do not define us
I am more than just
My deepest ruts and cuts.

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