Letter to my sexual assaulter’s girlfriend:
2 years ago;
I saw you both walking together..
Only a few months since I had last seen him.
It felt like years actually,
Darkness dragging me out of the covers in the morning
Only to shove me back in them at night.

This was before PTSD had become my best friend.. without my consent.

I’d like to think
You have consent written on your arm,
But I wonder if it’s written in pen or pencil?
Can you erase it if you want to or did he write it for you;
I still have his pen marks on my arm.

You guys were holding hands,
But were his fingers warm,
Each fingertip a ray of sunshine.
Or did they feel like ice cubes,
the way they had felt,
Creating trails along my skin.

Do you smile or cry ,
When he tells you that you are beautiful?
How do the words roll off his sandpaper tongue?
Rough intentions that come out smooth.

My eyes catch his arm sliding around your curved shoulders.
My eyes flashing to when his arm slid down my curved shirt.

To be honest,
If his friends didn’t exist,
I know he wouldn’t have the balls,
To scrape my fragile skin,
To pull on my loose hair,
To whisper into my virgin ears.
Can you feel the peer pressure breathing down his neck,
Convincing him that he’ll be a real man when he show cases you
As the doll to his ventriloquist act.
His arm up the back of your shirt,
His fingers prying open your lips releasing the words
He only wants the world to hear.

Are you his first girlfriend or his last?
Was I the first victim or the last.

I wanted to scream
How dare you love this monster?
Because why yell at him.
It’s not like he ever heard me say NO,
Why would he listen now.

Your pace balanced
As you walked.
My pace,
Was always faster than his.

I don’t know your name,
But if I could tell you one thing
It would be to run,
But, I’m out of breath from running
For so long

The word run tickling my tongue urging to be released.
Run! Run! Run!-

But then I went back to blaming myself.
Why ruin your relationship,
I already ruined so much for him when he got caught.
It’s my fault.
I never got the words out.
I had coward down.
I didn’t say no loud enough.
My tears didn’t speak for themselves.

Your heart probably skips a beat when he sits so close to you.
Mine did,too.

You shiver when he touches your arm, right?
I did too.

He makes you feel so alive when he touches your skin.
He made me feel so dead.

My eyes flood
as I watch you two together.
Watching him,
Wanted by someone.

I tried to break free from his grasp,
But here you are embracing it.

I wanted to block out his words
But here you are embracing them

I had always wanted to run away from him.
But here you are embracing him.

It wasn’t fair, It wasn’t fair..
My voice remained silent as I walked by you.
Covering my face, turning away.
You never saw me.