Ingredients for: an angry mother
1 pinch of procrastination
4 dabs of decrepit dishes
A load of late nights
1 collection of carelessly constructed words
A vial of vanilla scented vulgarity
6 teensy times I forgot to answer
9 dull days of “Don’t do that!”
1 great glob of new girlfriend
7 fights fought on family night
3 winks of wasted weekends
1 finely grated block of nosy neighbors
6 pounds of pretending to pay attention

Directions: Empty a load of late nights in a nice, new bowl, roughly the size of a month. (These can be purchased in friends’ homes or local restaurants.) To this, add 1 pinch of procrastination and your vial of vanilla scented vulgarity to flavor. Slowly fold in the 6 times I forgot to answer until bubbly. In a separate bowl the size of our kitchen mix 4 dabs of decrepit dishes, 9 dull days of “Don’t do that!”, and 7 fights fought on family night. Fuse your two dishes slowly at first and increase mixer speed as time progresses. Spread this concoction over 6 pounds of pretending to pay attention (can be borrowed from any youth in the greater Milwaukee area). Layer a collection of carelessly constructed words -- any brand will do. Cake on 1 great glob of new girlfriend and let freeze. To finish, dash 3 winks of wasted weekends. Optional: 1 finely grated block of nosy neighbors for adornment.