have you ever heard a heart break?
it sounds like people dying
and children crying and
finding out your best friend just tried to commit suicide
because nothing he does is good enough.
because all of the kind words to strangers and home-runs in baseball
never mattered to anyone but himself.
they didn’t count as A’s on his report card called “Success”,
they counted as tally marks on his wrist.
five every time his dad called him a pansy.
or a little girl.
or says he’s TOO NICE.
“there’s no such thing as too nice, dad. You’re supposed to be kind”
MAN UP, HE SAYS.
i hear it every day when I walk down the hall
and no one looks me in the eye because
who wants to look at a girl with red eyes and splotchy cheeks?
that’s not beautiful.
i hear it at home when my family
avoids spending time with me
BECAUSE I’M A FAILURE.
i don’t win over all the boys.
i don’t get A’s in Success because
I DON’T KNOW HOW.
i hear it at work when I’m the one sent home
early because they don’t want to tolerate me today.
do you know what lonely is?
because I do.
i know lonely like a long, lost friend that I’ve never had because
no one wants to BE my friend.
no one wants a girl over at their house with marks on her wrist
BECAUSE THAT’S WEIRD.
i know what lonely is on a Friday night
when no one wants me in their plans.
their football games, or sleepovers, or parties where they play truth or dare
because my truths are too much for them.
i know what lonely is every night in my bedroom
Faith Barry
Period 2/4
10-28-15
where I cry myself to sleep
because
NO ONE WANTS ME.
do you know how depression feels?
it feels like the performance that you worked so hard to perfect
but for nothing because of course
NO ONE CARES.
it feels like sitting alone at lunch because you are so sad
and you make other people sad
it feels like you have nothing left to live for and no matter where you go
YOU’RE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
so next time you call me a freak, or crazy, or deny my mental illness,
i hope you start to realize that the words you say matter.
i hope you hear my heart break.