Now's the time in life that I have realized I am not as great as I thought I was. All that I did means nothing. All of the poetry, all of the music, all of the performances, the grades, the friends, the help, the change..... it means nothing. I'm left here with 3-day old pants- week- old socks- and a night-old headache- year-old regrets- and year-old battles with my mind- are climbing to the surface- so sad on the inside- even though all of this joy was on my face and mind and heart- all day long. I clawed myself out of the light- and chained myself back into darkness. And my hands have fallen asleep again.... from all of the rubbing- I keep trying to rub away my problems- but they aren't liquid- they aren't spills- they are dry paint- and messy garage- a dirty basement- a ruined car- a dirty face. And I'm walking the plank- because my heart- oh how it stinks- my mind has gotten me in deep misery this time- and to elaborate any further would be a retrograde back into self terror- so I'll end this by saying- despite how much I hate who I am..... I love myself.
I hate myself- but I love myself (because I have to)
June 23, 2015