I do not know how to hang out with boys without taking off my clothes
I do not know how to just be normal around new boys
That's because the first time it happened I was 14
And he took off every shred of me including my dignity
And when I could no longer service him the way he wanted
Because Mother Nature or God or science was preventing a teen pregnancy
He was gone and I no longer mattered

Then 15 came around and I fell for the boy all girls dream about
He made me feel beautiful and forget about everyone else
I was allowed to escape my demons by accepting his praise of my naked body
But he was too drunk too often
And it didn't work out
My heart was broken and he was still gorgeous

The quite boy at work was next
His awkward ways pulled me in and I couldn't wait to kiss him
And then it went quickly without talking and by the time we were done I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to work for fear of someone finding out

Then came Mr. Gorgeous again
Facing family heartbreak and grieving via alcohol he finally got what he had came for
Afterwards depending on my body and alcohol he could finally grieve the loss of the man that ruined his life
And I learned that I would never love another the same way

I got a boyfriend
And on the first date we did things I would regret for the next six months
I was ashamed
Eventually said boyfriend became a physical relationship littered with I love you's
So I cheated
And a boy made me feel like a woman and him a man
Again and again
But once again a boy destroyed me
And I was no more then a body with a pulse

They continued to flitter in and out of my life
Like sunlight through paper
I was useless
A body with a pulse
A moan here and there
A girl for them to feel like a man with
I was useless
And now I don't have the audacity to stand by myself and spend time with the opposite sex because that's all I know how to do anymore.