it’s one of those nights when it all just really hits me and i realize
"how the f*** am i supposed to do any of this s*** on my own?"
how do i silence the screaming obscenities
ratting around my brain when i see a mirror?
how do i go to class and focus on the lecture
when i know i won’t remember to do the reading on time,
despite the hours i’ll spend staring at nothing each night?
how do i balance socializing, studying and sanity
when there are only twenty-four f***ing hours in a day
and i’m supposed to sleep for eight to ten of them
but my body’s been forced to adapt to getting six or less a night?
how am i supposed to make friends or find a boyfriend
when i can barely look myself in the eye, let alone a stranger?
how am i supposed to somehow find self-confidence
when i can feel judgment in the stares every f***ing day and night?
how can i even begin to plan a future i’m not even sure i want to live
when i’m barely making it through every day relatively unscathed;
i can’t even begin to think about five, seven, ten years from now
without feeling my brain starting to shut down.
and where do i go to get help
when no one even wants to understand the thoughts
i clumsily try to explain in the midst of late night breakdowns
spent crying uncontrollably on someone else’s floor
or during my daily self-deprecating jokes everyone laughs at?
it’s one of those nights when everything comes tumbling down
and i can’t will my lungs to contract or expand
and i can’t stop my eyes from leaking
and i can’t escape the overwhelming sensation of hopelessness and failure
so i scroll through my phone wondering
"who’s awake"
     ”who will care”
           ”who will listen”
                 ”who can help”
only to find no one i can call without feeling immense and unreasonable guilt.
so i close my eyes, wrap myself up tighter in the sheets,
hug my legs to my chest, and wait for sleep to hopefully claim me.
i’ve always heard about those people who fall asleep and never wake up
because their brains have simply given up on trying to cope with the stress.
it’s one of those nights when i pray that i become one of those stories…