you wondered
why
I spent the morning anxious
just because
someone had given you some pills
so they wouldn’t be tempted
to swallow them all

why?
because I am selfish.
I am selfish
and I want you to stay here with me

even though I know
every square inch of air presses down on you
and long ago they stole pure happiness from you

but still
I am selfish
and I couldn’t handle it
if you reached into the front pocket
downed the pills
let yourself be a slave of death
then
I would never forgive myself
and I’d know
I could never breathe again

while you were gone
I stared at the pocket of your backpack

and right before I unzipped the pocket

you walked in.

I wanted to take the pills

and try not to assimilate them myself
(we both know how easy it would be, and how nice nothing would feel)

throw them away

forget

I wanted to save you.

but more than that,
I needed to save
myself.