Secret Swan MAG

January 3, 2009
By Jaden Gragg GOLD, Shawnee, Kansas
Jaden Gragg GOLD, Shawnee, Kansas
17 articles 0 photos 0 comments

You.
Gossamer swan
bathed in moonlight
shed of speech
edge of the lake
you are my most precious secret.

Yours.
Glances I tuck away
into the front of my shirts
to examine in class.
Yours are the glances I relish.

You.
Floating on water feet trailing behind
walking like Jesus
I pluck feathers braid into my hair
smells like mud and water
secret swan
thin, fat string of calls I don’t understand.



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This article has 18 comments.


sydzue said...
on May. 1 2012 at 8:08 am
I like your poem. Your personification with the swan was amazing! It brought it to life. All of the verses were very visual, i could see what you were talking about.

on Feb. 7 2010 at 2:37 pm
FondduLac BRONZE, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don\\\'t, they never were." -- Khalil Gibran

original and strong. i like it.

Duckie430 said...
on Dec. 3 2009 at 11:58 am
Duckie430, Riverside, Rhode Island
0 articles 0 photos 229 comments

Favorite Quote:
“The secret to life is being who you are and being happy with who you are.”
"Whatever does not kill you only makes you stronger."

i like this poem!!

on Nov. 11 2009 at 5:36 pm
ariwrites94 GOLD, Deltona, Florida
17 articles 4 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." ---Plato

Hey, wonderful work!!! this is amazing . . . U write beautifuly so continue writing!!! also plz check out my poem called "Sensitive Am I" and it would be appreciated a comment and a rating, thankx! and keep up the good work!!!

on Sep. 21 2009 at 3:55 pm
scotchtapedreams, Teaneck, New Jersey
0 articles 0 photos 11 comments
I definitely agree with LillyRedline. The point of comments is for constructive criticism because, really, we all just want to improve. (At least that is my impression.)

There are some definite good qualities about this poem. For example, I absolutely adored the second stanza. It had the poetic sound while at the same time managing to endear the speaker to the reader. The "glances I tuck away / into the front of my shirts" was so wonderfully worded, and then the "to examine in class" made it so understandable and... likeable?... to the reader. Who can't sympathize with the bored little kid who has a secret, who reaches in to gaze at it in the middle of class while the teacher isn't looking? Even if the same hasn't happened to you, it is easily imaginable.

The first stanza was also poetic, a bit abstract in contrast to the second, but no real comments to make on that one. The third, I think, started getting a bit... Hm, not sure. Like LillyRedline said, it seemed as if you were trying too hard to make that one sound poetic. When you force it, the words end up sounding... well, forced. The stanza didn't really connect back to the poem as a whole. The first two really captured the swan, each in its own way. The "you" describing the swan itself to the "yours" describing its glances -- both were giving the reader a fuller picture of the swan. With the third, you got a bit carried away with the imagery - I think - and sort of forgot to zoom out to the big picture. It seemed more like you wanted to stuff as much imagery into the words as possible, rather than have it enhance the poem itself. Words for the sake of words.

Another thing I really liked was the start of each of the first two stanzas. I don't know what it is about the "You." and "Yours." but I thought it was a nice touch regardless. On the flip side, I wasn't a big fan of the last sentences of each. Again, I can't explain exactly what turns me off about it. It seems a bit... juvenile? Maybe. Either way, it took away from my enjoyment of the poetry-ness of the poem.

Just offering some friendly advice. You can take it or leave it as you see fit. :)

LillyRedine said...
on May. 31 2009 at 12:41 am
I thought bits of this poem brought upon good scensory images, but overall, it was weak.

And the line comparing the swan to Jesus was disappointing.

As was the attempt to make the smell of mud and water a poetic description.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, though.

You have potential if you work to improve.



I just don't like how every single comment that is supposed to be "constructive criticism" is just declaring your brilliance.

If you work hard, you might be one day.

Well, Good Luck.

on May. 30 2009 at 6:55 am
Forest_Dweller BRONZE, Peyton, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Hey, this is an awesome poem! I love how you used line breaks to add emphasis and meaning.

on May. 18 2009 at 6:54 pm
alayapoetgirl BRONZE, St. Louis, Missouri
4 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is hard; but it's harder if you're stupid. -John Wayne

;) Love it, Love it, Love it! It sets a mellow mood.

on May. 14 2009 at 12:05 am
Twilightnme SILVER, Anchorage, Alaska
6 articles 0 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You dont know what you have until its gone"

i love it. So sweet and melody-ish

on Apr. 21 2009 at 2:36 am
That was positively beautiful. Really descibes the longing of a crush. Good metaphor.

on Apr. 14 2009 at 9:32 pm
i loved it, its perfect i love your poems

zane said...
on Apr. 12 2009 at 1:38 pm
This poem is absolutely beautiful. When i first read it i was attracted by its shear complexity as i read more i fell in ove with the beautiful underlying meaning

on Apr. 11 2009 at 10:25 pm
horseluva BRONZE, Midlothian, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 46 comments
tabby is right.i like dif.great poem.

dot.! BRONZE said...
on Apr. 11 2009 at 2:24 pm
dot.! BRONZE, Acworth, Georgia
4 articles 0 photos 22 comments
very complex. i had to read it a few times! simply amazing =] can you please tell me what you think of my poem?? TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/91361/Trapped thanks!!

LilJ<3 GOLD said...
on Apr. 10 2009 at 11:18 pm
LilJ<3 GOLD, Gloucester, Virginia
11 articles 2 photos 60 comments
I liked this poem. It was complex. So complex for me that im going to read it a couple more times because every time i read it i get a different interpretation. I love that the poem is unique and written in a certain the way you have done yours. Great Job and keep on writting your doing great....

♥jackie

on Apr. 1 2009 at 10:44 pm
DinosoarJen DIAMOND, Scottsville, New York
86 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
Just another casualty.
It's sad but true.
And even dead I'm still ahead
of most of you.

When I read this it sounded like you weren't talking about a swan at all, but it was really great.

on Apr. 1 2009 at 10:34 pm
Ariana Turner GOLD, Overland Park, Kansas
13 articles 7 photos 2 comments
I really love your poem :). And I'm really flattered to have my photo accompany it! Weird coincidence that we both live in Kansas, even northeast Kansas!

tabby GOLD said...
on Mar. 31 2009 at 2:26 pm
tabby GOLD, Waverly, Ohio
15 articles 0 photos 1 comment
hello well hey i read your poetry and i like i tit seems diffrent and diffrent is what i go for cause to many people are to much alike




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