I played with the green-eyed monster today. Its’ game is sick and twisted. It plays with my mind by clouding my judgment and manipulating my thoughts. Just like in any game there is a winner and a loser. However, in this particular one I am always defeated.
This monster has no mercy. It makes my palms sweaty and my blood boil. With my stomach churning and my heart racing, it controls me to act on impulse while coercing me to initiating defensive and intimidating conversations. As I wave my arms and raise my voice I know the monster is winning. Now that I have started there is no going back.
Why am I playing this game? Why did it choose me? This creature feeds on insecurity and fear. It thrives on my emotions the way fuel feeds a fire, knocking me down and sucking me in. When I finally realize I am drowning I am already too deep to resurface.
The monster lodges itself into my brain like a parasite and I no longer recognize myself. I influence someone else into playing this game with me and my objective is revenge. Regardless of who my opponent is I want them to feel what I feel. It is cynical and exhilarating; powerful and unstoppable all at once. As I look in their eyes, I see hurt and defeat. At this very moment, I become the green-eyed monster.
I look in the mirror and see his reflection, laughing and mocking me. As Shakespeare said in Othello, “Beware of jealousy, my lord! It’s a green-eyed monster that makes fun of the victims it devours.” I am once again the loser in this game. I am weak and in my vulnerability allowed it to turn me into someone I am not and never want to be. I am drowning again, but in the sorrow of my tears.
These tears give clarity to a hopeful reality that I need to be in control. The green-eyed monster’s expression is one of dissatisfaction and anger. My heart fills with an inexplicable sense of strength, self-worth, and self-esteem. These feelings grow and the green-eyed monster’s reflection fades; it reaches out grasping for any hint of weakness but there is none. I won!