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He walks amidst the desert mist
and shadows, dim and deep,
glisten his pasts in shelves of time
of mountains climbed,
and dragons slayed.
He places his hands
where his soul once lay,
Boxed in jewels of Gold.



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_Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 2:40 pm:
You captured my attention from the first line to the last. Brilliant and beautiful, well done!
 
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JRayeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 9 at 9:22 pm:
So true. I just love the message behind this, and you express it so beautifully. Just great :)
 
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elliebell said...
Jun. 9 at 6:01 pm:
I loved this. I thought is was very beautiful, and incredibly sad at the same time. The rhyme and structure is wonderful. Have you ever tried Haikus because this sort of thing would be wonderful as a Haiku? :)
 
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WinterRose1976This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 9 at 1:37 pm:
Oh I see now, I forgot "lay" could also be past tense. It still doesn't sound quite right next to "once" though. Maybe it's the present word "places" that throws me off. I think if you changed your poem's tense from present to past, it would sound more fluent. Only because you have a mixture of past/present tense words. But that's just my opinion. :)
 
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WinterRose1976This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 7 at 10:21 am:
I agree with WOWriting, you are a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! I love the alliterations and internal rhyming in this poem. Not to mention the wonderful vocabulary. The only suggestion I have is make sure you stick with one tense. Your poem keeps switching from present tense to past tense. Besides that, I think this is very well-written!
 
Ray--yoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 9 at 9:35 am :
I tried maintaining present tense throught the poem, except in adjectives, of course. Does the word 'lay' create the problem here? (It's supposed to be the past form of lie, and not the present lay). It would be great if you (or anyone, actually) pointed the problem out. Honest feedback is kinda rare so, thanks a lot :)
 
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WOWritingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 4 at 11:00 am:
OK, when you say in your profile thingy that you're terrible at writing, that is SOOOO not true. Seriously. Even ur profile comment's original. This is a deliberate, meaningful poem and even tho there are tiny, tiny mistakes, it doesn't detract from the simple beauty of the poem. That sounded adulty :P i still really like this :) KEEP WRITING!
 
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Aasha.. said...
Jun. 2 at 11:18 am:
extraodinary skill of writing
 
Ray--yoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 5 at 3:14 am :
Wow, didn't expect a comment this grand for, this thing. Thanks a ton.
 
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