The whole world looked gray today.
A field of vision filled with colorless things
tinged with black
and tinged with white
unvarying
inconsequential
immaterial.
I woke up with the intention of doing something
of making a small difference in the world
or even just in my own life.
But through the day
it went away
until I ended
up
in
a
blind and stupid state
where nothing seemed to matter anymore.
The way most of my days
have been ending lately.
I lay there looking up at the ceiling
until the minute particles of my vision
turned to fluid television static
and my thoughts didn’t make sense
and my being floated out logic and time
until I wondered if I was real.
I am now a black hole.
A strange thing of darkness and lost intensity
with so much gravity it sucks inward and ends up
dwelling deeply inside of itself
and pulling everything in it.
Why
is
that
so.
I have a good life
with good parents
with good friends
with good Thai restaurants in my neighborhood
and pretty daffodils that paint my lawn with cheerful yellow.
It’s not like I don’t have ambition or purpose
because I do.
I want to go to a quality college that will put me on a path to travel the world
and maybe someday I’ll be a wealthy person who volunteers
in third world countries where people actually do have a rough life
maybe I’ll end up a famous painter
perhaps a writer
a musician
a photo journalist
a really, really, gifted cosmetician.
I have opportunities at my fingertips
that are close enough to reach to smell to touch to taste
but why is that not enough?
Because it should be.
Nothing horrifying happened to me as a child.
I was not starved or raped or tortured.
I wasn’t even given an irresponsible parenting job.
I was given a beautiful life
so why don’t I want it anymore?
Does anyone know?
Can anyone know?
Will anyone know?
Will I know? Ever?
If you ever have an answer,
I would really
really
really
like to know.