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I Needs and To Be's

I need to be short with gray eyes,
to be who I want to be.
I need to have bright red hair and navy blue eyes,
to be who I want to be.
I need to look down and never talk,
to be who I want to be.
I need to be the center of attention,
to be who I want to be.

A twisted pattern of ‘I needs’ and ‘to be’s’
never an ‘I am enough’.
Is anyone,
in their own mind?
Does anyone smile at their reflection,
every time?
Can I be both quiet and alone,
and confident and bold?
Can I be someone who is both shy
and assertive?
Never speaking,
but somehow heard?
Can I be multiple personalities,
at the same time?

I have tried,
and no one,
not even myself,
could keep up.
Two,
three,
four,
different personalities.
At war, fighting to control my ever movement,
every moment, my life.
Without my permission,
these rebellious emotions take control.
Getting angry, because people are trying to help.
But all I feel is pity.
Getting sad, because no one seems to notice me.
Getting happy, because why the hell not?
Getting forlorn, because I feel lonely and helpless.
Out of control.

I am spinning,
like a child in the arms of her father,
being twirled so fast,
all the colors of the world mix together.
Like they were thrown into a bowl,
and everyone has a mixing spoon.
The sad blues next to angry reds,
happy yellows dancing with controlled blacks.
Amongst the clouds and colors,
no one is mad.
Not at mirrors,
at lost dreams,
at people who never came through,
at broken promises.
How could anyone be anything,
when the lines of life are hand in hand with each other?

The colors are making me dizzy.
The never ending rain and sunshine,
coexisting with roses in snow.
The bright reds,
to vibrant against the suffocating white.
The winking sun,
in the arms of frowning, gray, clouds.
Means no sense to me.
Not anymore.
For, I am not longer a child.
No longer so innocent and laughing,
my trust no longer unflagging,
no longer sure of the life I have been promised.
But, I am not yet an adult,
no years of experience and mistakes,
haunt me.
Not yet.
A part of me still has hope,
for the future and everything after.
I have not quite left my naive years,
have not quite embraced a life of cold eyes.
Harsh and crude words,
no longer surprise me.
I no longer believe in
happily ever afters and golden princes.
Bad things happen to good people, I know this.

The world still confuses me,
despite these bold facts.
It still makes no sense to me,
why a person has so many personalities
and only one body.
How anyone could look into another’s eyes,
and still pull the trigger.
How a Mother and Father,
could put their problems and fears,
about their daughter.
How anyone could hate a person,
because of who they like and love.

To survive in this world,
I need red hair and a bold attitude.
I need gray eyes that see with knowledge,
and a mouth that says the right things at the right time.
I need to be unnoticeable.
I need to make a difference.
I need to help people.
I need to have a heart full of
love,
compassion,
pity,
forgiveness.
I need to be everyone,
to survive in this world.

This life defeats everyone.
No one has survived,
to pass on their knowledge.
Maybe, it is not meant to be understood.
Perhaps, it is a game,
where the players are blind.
Where everyone is a mix of,
bold red hair
and quiet gray eyes.



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