i am sorry.
i am sorry
that I've let you down.
that i let the snarls
of the monsters in my head
overtake the self worth that you led
me to.
I'm sorry
that i haven't taken care of myself since you've been gone.
dishes are scattered across my room,
i haven't done laundry in weeks,
i don't know why i should bother
if there's no one here to impress anymore.

and i apologize
for lying to you.
for lying about how
i was getting better.
about how
the whispers were beginning to recede back into themselves
when only i was the one doing so.
for lying
about the nights i cried myself to sleep
red lines on my arms reminding myself that i was still alive
and i was in pain.
for lying
about how your absence
didn't hurt.
and i told you
that i was fine
that i could handle it
that i didn't need anyone anymore
but i was scared.

i was scared shitless of what i was going to do to myself
without you to stop me.
and you know me,
when I'm scared,
i close up,
i stop responding,
i deny that anything was ever wrong with myself
and i know,
i know that that isn't healthy.
well neither is a diet of ice water
and cheap mac and cheese
but that hasn't stopped me yet.
so what makes you think that i can prevent
my own self destruction?

and i know
that you are upset that you couldn't fix me.
that you couldn't take my mess
of greasy gears and broken hearts
and make me tick again.
and i know
that you are angry that you couldn't take the pain away.
that despite how many times you told me,
that you wanted to be my sponge
you still remained a rock.
and i know
that you blame yourself
for the s*** that i have gone through
and the nightmares about death
that rack chills through my body,
but sweetheart,
stop.

none of this,
is your fault.
you tried your best.
that's what you've been training to do
since grade two
when you were taught
that if you give it your all,
and it doesn't work out,
hey,
at least you gave it a shot,
right?

i am sorry.
i am sorry i am not the girl you wanted me to be.
i am sorry i am not fixable
i am sorry i am still f***ed in the head
i am sorry,
i am sorry,
i am sorry,
i am tired.

so sweetheart,
just go.

we'll try again tomorrow.