Sand Pebbles

A beach with memories scattered in it
Like pebbles in the sand.
It's off to Grandma's house we go
Surfboards, boogie boards, we're all on boards,
Our heavy hearts in tow.
People don't change,
“He's never gonna change,” Uncle Wade says.
Drunken stares he can't climb up,
I can't bear to stare back,
It breaks my heart
And leaves crack in a family that
Refuses
To shatter.
But it's a different world out in the middle of the ocean,
And he's a different person
Detached from worldly pressures and substances,
But we eventually have to return to shore,
Where he'll drink and pass out on the couch,
Waiting for the morning that will never come.

We trek to a restaurant where I eat expensive fish
And he tells me
I'm the best swimmer he's ever seen
But he doesn't know
I'm haunted by my inadequacies
And there's nothing he can do or say to make them go away.
I'm overweight, people think I'm stupid,
I'm deaf,
I have terrible balance so I can't surf,
And I can't hold a baby's life with mine
Because I can't hold my own.
There! Uncle Dean was wrong,
Grandma was right.
But she's a beautiful baby and I want desperately
For her to laugh, smile, and grow up
Into a bigger and better human being than me.
And she will.
I know it.

Two little girls I love because they love me,
But they're troubled.
Everybody thinks they're bad because
They have iPads and loving dads,
But they've snapped under the weight of their insecurities,
Saying they're broken because their family's broken.
I told them they're more whole than they think,
And I hope they believe me.

The sand pebbles heated by the sun burn my feet
And only the cool ocean can soothe them.
So I float and wait for a wave to carry me away
Because I cannot see the ocean floor
And that scares me.
But I float in the calm waters
And try not to think about the sharks swimming beneath me.