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Choked

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Did you know,
I can’t eat pancakes anymore
And that
my dog died too long ago
and it still hurts most days
and nights
And did you know,
that sometimes I can’t look at my friends
because I don’t think they
can see me
as much as I had hoped
and that I don’t try nearly as hard
as the fourth grader
with parents who fight
did
to overcompensate
as the therapist said
all that’s left
is the side effects
anxiety and
too many trips to the
bathroom stalls
to cry
quietly, if someone else comes in
I’ll walk back to class
but stop at the window
and stare out
and open it for a second
until someone turns the corner
and I close it
And I go back to class
and I stare straight ahead
and I don’t feel anything
and I don’t say anything
but offer a little smile
if someone looks over
I don’t need to be saved
not there, by any of them, at least
he said once that I could come in any
time
but I know I know I know
he would not be able to see me
he would pretend
and pat me on the back
and send me on my way
I do not need to be saved
not by a teacher who
couldn’t pass his own exam.

I just need things that are not here.
It hurts because it’s unnatural
I do not belong between those walls
or on that side of those windows
taking short breaths of air
on trips to the bathroom.

I do not belong staring straight ahead
for so many hours
so many days
so many months
years
a decade, now.
wow.
This is meaner than the real world
some days
but I guess I would not know
entirely
just guesses
guesses guesses it’s all I do
Guess and bulls*** and
cry in irregular intervals
gasping for air
that won’t choke
the life
from my bones




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